Postcard from Falmouth - jk cosmos

 Postcards from Falmouth – jk cosmos

What is it that engages my memory, reading this postcard? The tone. Mary writes to

Esther – “I suppose that you will never forgive me for not writing…” and yet, this is the writing.

The writer is writing to her friend; a backwards glance at someone self-deprecating. Mary

introspective; are her friendships less than they could be? Can I identify with that means-end

connection?

Plot twist, now letting Esther know that she is waitressing, with her aunt, at

Coonamessett Inn. Busy summer and I recall so much fun waitressing; that’s been my summer

experience at the Flying Bridge in the late 60s. Being down the Cape- so perfect! But no, Mary

writes about working hard, counting the days and loneliness. “Please write to me, as it is rather

lonely here.”

I Sigh, as I think about the girl writing this postcard; wishing she had more during her summer

in Falmouth.

I Sigh, as I think about a lonely girl writing a postcard with a vulnerable ‘pause’ about being

down the Cape, working and lonely.

I wonder why this narrative speaks to me and if it’s a theme of my life, or a blip being in a

global pandemic.

I know the girl writing.

I recognize the girl writing.

And, I wonder if Esther writes back.

John - has died! Saddened and Sad.

John

 

              Waiting for my law school friend, Shelley, to complete the Bar Exam and then we’d celebrate. I idled the car in front of Hynes in Boston on Boylston Street. It was summer 1976. I had one more year of law school studies to go.

              Shelley ran down the stair, jubilant comes to mind…with a laugh and a loudness to her. She is Lebanese and a big girl; large proportions and largeness in personality.  Shelley is someone who doesn’t care much about social propriety – not at all.  I drove a Renault LeCar – a small French boxy car with a large sunroof.  And so, yes, the sunroof was open.  She jumped in; but dove directly in the back seat- as just behind her was a man, tall, and movie star gorgeous & he popped himself into the front seat beside me.  Both laughing and both out of breath.

Hello.

Hello -you…You don’t mind if I join you.  Shelley invited me to come along.

This is John.  He’s one of the Exam Proctor’s. Yeah, we got talking.

Oh my God, Shelley picked up the Bar Exam Proctor. She’s crazy.

No problem.  Let’s go. We’re going up to Lynnfield to a Middle Eastern restaurant with dancing and a band. Okay.

Sounds great. Let’s go.

              First impression.  John was carefree and very good looking . Tall and confidant.   Why is Shelley always the one to find and get the guy!?

I was jealous and wishing I had more gumption.

 

*********************************************************

 

In the middle of a global pandemic and it’s been too many months, too much time in isolation and so worried all the time, I am aging in place.

Thought about the day…& wondered about friends from when I was young, and hopeful and joyful.  Trying too hard to find happiness and joy these days.

I googled a guy from my past, John C. and a link read that he died. That cannot be right.  I searched some more and couldn’t find an obit or death notice of any kind. It was his name, even his middle name…I remembered. Emmanuel.  The age 71 and the date February 2019.  That can’t be right.  He’s been gone for that long; he’s been gone before Covid was even a thing.

No, I checked the Mass Bar List of lawyers…and it was there, confirmed, John was ‘deceased’.

 

I kept searching online for more. The how and a bit of history on who he is – was.  I know what I know, but I wanted to read about him. Nothing.  Not one word.  Nothing at all.

No children, no wife.  His mother gone and nothing about his brother. Cousins, yes, I heard about one and didn’t see anything about his life and all that – what’s expected and the usual.

I am saddened. I am sad. I am more gut-wretched than I thought I’d be.  John no longer in the world is a lot to take in.  I am so so sorry to hear this.

I have significant memories of John and me – of an adventure. I have sweet recollections of the possibilities of us- or was that all a dream.  My journals are gone- my former husband kept them and so, I rely on general memories, not detailed writings of emotions, experiences and thoughts about life and living.  That’s long gone and so now I am left with a fog of what was and not too clear on all of the moments.  I am clear on the feelings and clear on the experiences that was us.

 Covid - A year of Isolation!  A year of our Discontent!  A year of Danger & Unrest!

Unfathomable how a pandemic changes the world and the individual, daily experience.  One day, teaching on campus and moving about freely- by day's end, in the apartment and frightened and worried for yourself, and your loved ones. Fearful of a virus - for your family and then the world encrouches on you in a way that was sci-fi and now is reality.

Pandemic - virus - contageon - how scary is the verbiage and the new reality and uncertainty - is mind-boggling.  Beyond that - though - is the daily grind and worry.  The worry and fear wears you out and is exhausting. The worry and fear is about as critical to people as the actual virus.

What to do! What can one do!?  How do you continue to teach or read, when your attention is so so distractable and your energy level so low? Some people readily say that they are 'depressed', which is a valid certainty..to say that. Others fight that designation of depression and hope and think that sinking feeling will pass & it is, afterall, only feeling 'blue'.

 Jetties

 

Having lived summers at the beach, sitting on the jetties brought her back to the days of innocence and dreams of a fulfilled and happy life. The question was – had she lived a fulfilled & happy life?

At five, she slipped away from her family and most especially her younger brother and ran down to the beach.  It was dusk, it was the steamy part of the day with the hot sun and rays of the beach reflected off of the ocean blue.  She’d been at the beach for most of the day; hours, solo and then her family decking out all the stuff..things to eat, to drink, to float in the  sea, to sit on the sand, to make castles..the pails and shovels. All of it – too loud, too complicated, to tiring.  She sat in the sand, fingering the soft, tan eart and looking out – close up view – too many kids in the water.  Looking beyond them, the sea and sky more of a universal truth, a reckoning and soothing- oh, so soothing to her. She dug into the sand in front of her with wiggling toes and pushed it to make a soft gulley between where she sat and the incoming soft flap, flap of the waves..softly moving towards her bottom on the sandy beach.

Tonight, the energy was slowed down. There was no one else in view. No one on the beach, and no one on the sea wall; which was a popular place to rest. Not a soul.

She had the entire universe at her binding.  She felt open to the universe and the possibilities. She thought about her life when she would be an adult and able to make her own decisions.  She heard the sea and the waves and it reminded her that soon enough she’d be grown and able to make choices, to be whoever she wished. She’d marry or not, she’d travel – that was certain. She would have a career that she loved and maybe just perhaps, share what she knew – what she learned with others.  She’d find people of like-mind.  Although, sitting on the beach, under the side of the  sea wall, chilled by the crisp air as night cool and sizzle of sunshine met, she didn’t have those words to express her thoughts. She knew, instinctually, that she was on the earth to do something meaningful, and to be someone of consequence to not only one other person but to many.

Her mind was settling as she heard the waves and saw the sun moving down in the far-away color of sky and water.  She settled her all too inquiring mind.  She knew how to do that and it made for a moment or more of just being.  The very art of just being, was one that she knew and one that she could count on to take her away from chores and homework and the constant barrage of whine from her mother.  Ahh, peace.

The area of sand to the sea was a narrow strip of earth and then, the ocean took over.  She carried a notebook, always and after ten minutes or so, she started to write about how she felt sitting by the sea, alone and still a child. She wrote about ancient times, the times of the Hellenic grandeur and wondered why.

The cooling air and sand becoming moist to sit on, was the first hint of passing of time and her best effort to walk home had come.  She stood and brushed sand off of her bottom. She gathered the pen and notebook; putting both in her sweatshirt front pocket. She stood and breathed in the saltiness, the sea, the drops of water coming from the sof waves. She stepped forward towards the edge, rathe than moving up to the stairs of the seawall. How could she go back to the cottage?  All the noise, all the commotion. She stood there until the blue turned grey turned a velvety dark navy blue-black.  The points of light began to edge in to the sky and she was so very happy. The stars twinkled and blinked on & off and she was bursting with joy!

If only this moment would last longer.  If only—

Decades later, she returned to the beach and thought about her childhood and the summers at the beach.  She wished that she knew more about life and choices then, having decided that her rigid upbringing left her with restrictions in her life and choices of being ‘good’ to her own detriment by saying no to this and that brillieant experience. How could she know that she could do more and live harder and still be allright. She didn’t know that and now that she did, it was too late to do all that.

Political Shit-Show in Massachusetts & the Nation!

 So, Joe Kennedy ain't no Teddy Kennedy. The name only goes so far& these days, no one cares...except the moneyed reps already in Congress..they block & step in together-just as Pelosi went for him..over an encumbent. Hoping it backfires. I'm endorsing Markey. Kennedy has a seat in Congress! What's he done? I haven't heard a peep outta him, until he decided to run for Senate. Nothing outta him on issues-as a Rep! He's a weak candidate & not a persuasive speaker..very weak. Being part of Kennedy clan shouldn't be the measure. So, Pelosi-thumbs down! Let Markey keep his seat & represent Commonwealth. He gets it. Not sure about Joe! I actually trust AOC over Pelosi...& she's endorsed Markey.

My response to an article on Pelosi endorsing a challenger to an encumbent in the Senate race for Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

PeteCosmos Artist Designer

https://www.wescover.com/creator/pete-cosmos 

Another Birthday! Happiness or not-

Another birthday and frankly yesterday, anticipating this was quite emotional.  It was a day of tearing up and thinking about the decades, the missteps..not so much the thoroughly joyful.  Why did I go to the dark-side? I am not sure..but there it was.  Sad, lonely, dark and quite a lot of choking back of that torrent of tears on the verge.
This morning, finally, the day - my Birthday!  Well, no going back.  Thinking about it - glad, very glad to be here - to have made it to that certain age & here's 'To Life!'
My sons, certainly, make all the difference in their love, good cheer and thoughtful comments and sentiments about not only their being my sons, but about my birthday.  For this, I am thankful.
Grateful...that wonder of being attuned to the life force, the universe and ancestors...all of it.

I am on break between classes & wanted to write something about today and how it is going!  It's going fine.  Quite well.  Happy Birthday to me.