Process of Writing / Goddard College

j. k. cosmos
-Process – about language and spirit. How? Beginning at Goddard, the literal was the rule and I attended every workshop possible…had some angst on missing any of them and continued to read the handouts and run around from building to building with few minutes to spare. I did not speak. I did not volunteer to comment. I did not volunteer to read. I did not volunteer to ask a question. The days past and I also did not fully engage with my colleagues. I did not speak at the huge square table at meals. I listened. I did not nod my head in agreement with faculty or with other students. My recollection is that my initial days on campus were frightening; not in a way of horror, but in a way of being intimidated. Frightened was the theme of my first residency, as I had decided to come to Goddard only a few days prior to the residency, having accepted another MFA Program. I felt ambivalent as I had talked with the Director and staff at the other program and only one person at Goddard. I hadn’t quite centered myself at home first, prior to the drive from outside of Boston to Plainfield. I hadn’t quite made the time in my head to be fully cognizant of the decisions and the possibilities at Goddard.
One fifth term student spoke with me; she actually looked at me and the invisibility cleared up for a few moments. I appreciated her attempt to get to me. The time after the readings and very full schedule, I went to sit in my car and listened to James Taylor’s melodious voice, his soothing lyrics and songs. I sat in the car way too much and listened to JT and sat in the air conditioning. I called my oldest son, and he calmed me. He said to give it a chance. I knew that. Yes, I knew it intellectually. I could logically move to the place of being thankful that I had the opportunity to be a member of the Goddard community. But, the rest of me was uncomfortable and that is not usually the case for me. I usually am very able at being flexible with circumstances, people, social situations and those events where it just takes some thoughtfulness to be comfortable. I really am very okay in my own skin. That is why this feeling of not talking and just observing and listening was so very difficult.
The last evening of the residency, walking from Manor to the Admin Building, the Director of the Program was walking towards me with his dog, Darla. I wished I could walk slower or faster to miss any real contact with him. It wasn’t to be. As we approached each other, he said, ‘You are not here by chance, Jeanne. You are here for a reason.” He kept walking, as did I. If I responded to him, I cannot recall. It sounds like I’m coming back, I thought. I wish he’d told me that the first day and not the last.
Trust the process is the mantra. I thought about the conciseness of the theme on campus and the following morning returned home. Let the writing begin in earnst.

January 2010 -

Just home from Vermont and fooling around with finding books of interest, as the Chair at Bunker Hill called to assign a section of Eng 111 which is another prep as I already teach 095 –developmental and 112 – research this spring. Wandering on Abelbooks, noticed James Salter mentioned & great to see my old friend. I was turned on to Salter late rather than early in life, one summer at a class in Modernism/Post-Modernism. The book list for that term was exciting, including Beckett and Kafka & the discussions, ones that I looked forward to all week. Salter, started out with Sport & Pastime. I used some of his work the following semester at Bridgewater State College & realized that perhaps the subject matter was too juicy for Freshman, although they wrote reflective essays & seemed fine sharing their thoughts. It was the most up-close & personal class that I’ve taught, that one group.
I am finishing up The Children’s Hour-Byatt & recalling that this type of novel is my favorite kick-back read. Very much looking forward to Larrsen’s work, as I am guessing it will most closely follow my own writing. Larrsen may be the ‘one’ that most follows a process that I’ve been looking for in terms of integrating mystery and politics and social justice thesis.
The Dean at MassBay called last night to assign one more Eng 101 & I contacted the bookstore to assign the students Farenheit 450 – Bradbury. I am looking forward to re-reading this one and hearing the discussion of the classroom in terms of events in our present society. These classes at BHCC consist of students who are highly motivated & planning on getting themselves out of the hood. I support their efforts and find them more engaging than students at the private four year college where I taught. The BHCC is progressive and the students engage with the materials presented in a thoughtful and real way. The Chair of English invited Adjuncts to a Conference & the long & short of it was that I met Robert Bly and Donald Hall, talking w/ Bly for quite a while which I appreciate and revel and the chance. Having been a feminist prior to the term being used and having parents who supported my intellectual independence and pursuits from a young age, my development as a free spirit and thoughtful person without regard to gender still comes in play, surprisingly, when faculty or students perceive one image and question a female role in the mix. I brought up two sons, solo and can be definitive in the premise that gender-neutral and being central on the individual is the only way. The child or person’s interests and self-image is the ‘it’, not whether or not someone is male or female. I loved talking with Bly and I really feel it was mutual, as he focused on identity and ran with it, as did I. What a bonne chance to have moments of clarity and purpose of ideas.