John
Waiting for my
law school friend, Shelley, to complete the Bar Exam and then we’d celebrate. I
idled the car in front of Hynes in Boston on Boylston Street. It was summer
1976. I had one more year of law school studies to go.
Shelley ran down
the stair, jubilant comes to mind…with a laugh and a loudness to her. She is
Lebanese and a big girl; large proportions and largeness in personality. Shelley is someone who doesn’t care much
about social propriety – not at all. I
drove a Renault LeCar – a small French boxy car with a large sunroof. And so, yes, the sunroof was open. She jumped in; but dove directly in the back
seat- as just behind her was a man, tall, and movie star gorgeous & he
popped himself into the front seat beside me.
Both laughing and both out of breath.
Hello.
Hello -you…You don’t mind if I join you. Shelley invited me to come along.
This is John. He’s one of
the Exam Proctor’s. Yeah, we got talking.
Oh my God, Shelley picked up the Bar Exam Proctor. She’s crazy.
No problem. Let’s go. We’re
going up to Lynnfield to a Middle Eastern restaurant with dancing and a band. Okay.
Sounds great. Let’s go.
First impression. John was carefree and very good looking .
Tall and confidant. Why is Shelley always
the one to find and get the guy!?
I was jealous and wishing I had more gumption.
*********************************************************
In the middle of a global pandemic and it’s been too many months,
too much time in isolation and so worried all the time, I am aging in place.
Thought about the day…& wondered about friends from when I was
young, and hopeful and joyful. Trying
too hard to find happiness and joy these days.
I googled a guy from my past, John C. and a link read that he
died. That cannot be right. I searched some
more and couldn’t find an obit or death notice of any kind. It was his name, even
his middle name…I remembered. Emmanuel.
The age 71 and the date February 2019.
That can’t be right. He’s been
gone for that long; he’s been gone before Covid was even a thing.
No, I checked the Mass Bar List of lawyers…and it was there,
confirmed, John was ‘deceased’.
I kept searching online for more. The how and a bit of history on
who he is – was. I know what I know, but
I wanted to read about him. Nothing. Not
one word. Nothing at all.
No children, no wife. His
mother gone and nothing about his brother. Cousins, yes, I heard about one and
didn’t see anything about his life and all that – what’s expected and the
usual.
I am saddened. I am sad. I am more gut-wretched than I thought I’d
be. John no longer in the world is a lot
to take in. I am so so sorry to hear
this.
I have significant memories of John and me – of an adventure. I
have sweet recollections of the possibilities of us- or was that all a
dream. My journals are gone- my former
husband kept them and so, I rely on general memories, not detailed writings of
emotions, experiences and thoughts about life and living. That’s long gone and so now I am left with a
fog of what was and not too clear on all of the moments. I am clear on the feelings and clear on the
experiences that was us.
1 comment:
I am shocked that your husband kept your journals. I had a friend who taught economics at a University in Washington. He had a place in DC and one in Shepherdstown, WV. He was older than I was, thought I am probably, now, as old as he was, 71. He and his wife decided to give up their house in the city. She insisted he throw out most of his books. Books that had notes written in the margins and that he would from time to time revisit as way of remembering who he once was. I don't know why he agreed to do it.
It is in our nature to grow old, we can not avoid growing old. It is in our nature to die, we can not avoid death. It is in the nature of every thing we treasure, and the people we love to change. We can not avoid being separated from them. The Buddhists I sit with take strange comfort in knowing these things. And sometimes some of that comfort washed over me, but it is a bitter pill to swallow methinks.
I had a Renault LeCar. Of all the cars I've owned, that's the one I liked the best. Thinking about it makes me sad. I don't think I'll spend time this evening thinking about why the eyes water.
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