Jetties

 

Having lived summers at the beach, sitting on the jetties brought her back to the days of innocence and dreams of a fulfilled and happy life. The question was – had she lived a fulfilled & happy life?

At five, she slipped away from her family and most especially her younger brother and ran down to the beach.  It was dusk, it was the steamy part of the day with the hot sun and rays of the beach reflected off of the ocean blue.  She’d been at the beach for most of the day; hours, solo and then her family decking out all the stuff..things to eat, to drink, to float in the  sea, to sit on the sand, to make castles..the pails and shovels. All of it – too loud, too complicated, to tiring.  She sat in the sand, fingering the soft, tan eart and looking out – close up view – too many kids in the water.  Looking beyond them, the sea and sky more of a universal truth, a reckoning and soothing- oh, so soothing to her. She dug into the sand in front of her with wiggling toes and pushed it to make a soft gulley between where she sat and the incoming soft flap, flap of the waves..softly moving towards her bottom on the sandy beach.

Tonight, the energy was slowed down. There was no one else in view. No one on the beach, and no one on the sea wall; which was a popular place to rest. Not a soul.

She had the entire universe at her binding.  She felt open to the universe and the possibilities. She thought about her life when she would be an adult and able to make her own decisions.  She heard the sea and the waves and it reminded her that soon enough she’d be grown and able to make choices, to be whoever she wished. She’d marry or not, she’d travel – that was certain. She would have a career that she loved and maybe just perhaps, share what she knew – what she learned with others.  She’d find people of like-mind.  Although, sitting on the beach, under the side of the  sea wall, chilled by the crisp air as night cool and sizzle of sunshine met, she didn’t have those words to express her thoughts. She knew, instinctually, that she was on the earth to do something meaningful, and to be someone of consequence to not only one other person but to many.

Her mind was settling as she heard the waves and saw the sun moving down in the far-away color of sky and water.  She settled her all too inquiring mind.  She knew how to do that and it made for a moment or more of just being.  The very art of just being, was one that she knew and one that she could count on to take her away from chores and homework and the constant barrage of whine from her mother.  Ahh, peace.

The area of sand to the sea was a narrow strip of earth and then, the ocean took over.  She carried a notebook, always and after ten minutes or so, she started to write about how she felt sitting by the sea, alone and still a child. She wrote about ancient times, the times of the Hellenic grandeur and wondered why.

The cooling air and sand becoming moist to sit on, was the first hint of passing of time and her best effort to walk home had come.  She stood and brushed sand off of her bottom. She gathered the pen and notebook; putting both in her sweatshirt front pocket. She stood and breathed in the saltiness, the sea, the drops of water coming from the sof waves. She stepped forward towards the edge, rathe than moving up to the stairs of the seawall. How could she go back to the cottage?  All the noise, all the commotion. She stood there until the blue turned grey turned a velvety dark navy blue-black.  The points of light began to edge in to the sky and she was so very happy. The stars twinkled and blinked on & off and she was bursting with joy!

If only this moment would last longer.  If only—

Decades later, she returned to the beach and thought about her childhood and the summers at the beach.  She wished that she knew more about life and choices then, having decided that her rigid upbringing left her with restrictions in her life and choices of being ‘good’ to her own detriment by saying no to this and that brillieant experience. How could she know that she could do more and live harder and still be allright. She didn’t know that and now that she did, it was too late to do all that.